dementedelement (dementedelement) wrote,

  • Music:

Hello lj

Been a while.

I don't think I can do anything consistently any more. This includes the things that I actually enjoy.

I stopped taking my birth control pills a couple weeks ago. I thought they might be influencing my moods.

I believe that I can now safely say that, no, it wasn't the pills. I am just a naturally gloomy individual these days. It's strange to think about the fact that right now (and fairly often these days) I find myself wanting to listen to sad music and weep. I don't actually cry, but I want to. This is not to say that I'm actually sad, either: it is simply an active desire to do sad things, I think. It is difficult to express. I'll work on it.

On the bright side, I've been more social lately! That's a good thing. On the other hand, being social ain't cheap, and it gives me tiny little panic attacks. Probably I should just tell my new friends that I'm a fuck up, and work with their lowered expectations instead. Less pressure.

Today I did something productive! It wasn't much, but I at least wrote a little bit. Allways look on the bright etc.

I drank close to a goddamn gallon of coke today, and my blood pressure went from normal to 128/90 (high diastolic for me) down to 103/77 (low systolic/normal diastolic). We have a sphygmomanometer at home, which is fun to play with.

ETA: Wait, so now my flist only shows the most recent post from each of my friends? Or something? When the heck did that happen? (I am trying to censor my cursing more, because I think I taught a whole lot of children some very bad language in the past ten days or so; also it's the sign of a poor vocabulary, so I should definitely fight that.)
Tags: caffeine, feelings
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